Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Forget not in the light what has been learned in the darkness.

Thursday, April 17, 2014


Started lithium yesterday.

Have never been on lithium before. Had I been on it 15 years ago my life would have turned out completely different, no doubt. But there's no good to come speculating on what might have been. I could have accomplished some things, but missed doing a lot of other good ones.

I'm feeling rather intoxicated at the moment. I could write anything. But it's not "drunk" per se. My mind hasn't been this free from struggling against itself in at least ten years. The core of my being isn't used to this.

It probably won't last forever. I'm not counting on it. As with everything else with having bipolar there are good days where everything clicks and there are bad days when nothing works. But for the time being I am immensely thankful for this little season of rest.

Should I write about how tempted I was to take my own life last week? I guess I just did. That's okay. It's common. People with mental illness who have suicidal ideations aren't "bad" at all. You have to have this to understand the kind of pain that it is. And it's a deep, DEEP pain. Pain that is extremely difficult to endure. Suicide is a horrible tragedy, but it's not a flaw in a person's character. I've been there. I hope nobody will judge me for harboring that kind of pain and thoughts about wanting it to stop.

Lithium is documented to severely reduce the risk of suicide. I'm beginning to understand why. The depression has been unbelievably absent during the past several days. But I can't credit medication for that. I've had a LOT of wonderful friends and family who have held me up in their prayers and I can't doubt that God has been with me during this time. All the thanks must go to Him and to them.

And I'm working on a project about being bipolar that might be... I dunno, "interesting"? It's something that I'm not holding back on anything. What it's like to have bipolar, the hurt I've felt, the hurt I've inflicted on others (especially family and friends), the drugs I've taken. But also some other things not directly related to mental illness. We'll see how it goes.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Well, so it begins

I still don't know what I'm supposed to be writing lately.

But I feel like I need to post something more than the running train of my current consciousness.  All that's missing are exotic pharmaceuticals like what Hunter S. Thompson used with his own.

So for what it's worth, here is what might be the very first "spy" photo from the filming of Star Wars Episode VII, somewhere in the desert of Abu Dhabi...

Speculation is that it's anything from part of a moisture farm, to the foot of an AT-AT walker.  Maybe the Jawas scavenged Imperial hardware in the decades following the Empire's defeat?

The new Star Wars movie begins primary filming next month.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Years ago, as a student at Elon, I became... well, I still don't know the best word for it. "Active", "associated", "affiliated with", "hung around"...

Well like I said, I still don't know.

It was InterVarsity Christian Fellowship that I became a part of, in whatever insignificant capacity. Truth be known, that was a strange period in my life and there are times when I'm not exactly sure what was going on. Maybe I shouldn't look too hard for answers there?

I do know that it was my friends in IV who were the ones who helped me most to break free from years of guilt, shame and regret and to at last come into a real relationship with God. It was something that looking back, I realize that I had always wanted it but for one reason or another felt inadequate and unworthy. God used them and worked through them to show me a peace and a joy that I had never known before, or even knew could be.

The years since have in too many ways, not been kind. I'm sure some would say all of this could have been better, that I could have gained more, if I had not tried so much to serve God since then. And I will be the very first to admit: I have fallen and failed many more times than I have succeeded.

To serve Him is a choice that once made, I truly could never, ever turn my back on. Despite all the loss I've suffered, regardless of the situations I've gone through, no matter the hell of mental illness that I have had to endure... though all of that and so much more, I can not and would not want to go back to the person I was before at last finding Christ.

Why am I writing all of this?

There was a song that the praise team at IV used to play, one of many that we all sang to. Most of those songs wound up recorded on tape and several years ago I used my copy to make MP3s of them. I now have the entire collection of tracks on my iPad and iPod. Even after all this time, Elon IV's praise and worship songs are something I turn to when I need encouragement.

This song, from the time I first remember hearing it I thought it was the most beautiful, hope-filled, most inspiring of the entire set of songs that they used.

And in recent days and weeks, months even, it has become a song that I have especially clung to. When I was in a behavioral health center in December for extreme depression, I would sing this to myself late at night, asking God to please grant a peaceful rest.

It is a song that has come to mean more to me than I can possibly convey with words. The best I can muster is that it is a precious link to happier times, a comfort today, and a beautiful hint at things still to come.

I don't know who wrote this song. Maybe someone out there does and will tell me. I would love to know.

Lately I've used my iPad to play the "album" very softly as I go to sleep. It helps to quiet my mind, turn it over to God and let Him grant that rest. And this is the one I love listening to the most.

Maybe there is someone out there who, even if it's just the lyrics, they can find a measure of peace and assurance too...

We Will Fly

I want to sing something beautiful
To Jesus, Lord of my life
To give an offering of my heart
In a song that he’s never before

And then we will fly,
The Lord Jesus and I
And all my fears will fade into the night
And my praise will ring
As up to the heavens I sing
Of the love of God through Jesus Christ
Oh that the love that dwells in my heart
Would emerge from me undefiled
To go forth in purity, touching those I see
With the sweetness of the presence of Christ

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Dear readers of this blog,

Two nights ago I very nearly made the greatest mistake of my life.

Had it succeeded, another mistake, which I take full responsibility for, would have been the second greatest mistake of my life instead.

I don't know what I'm doing. I thought I did.

There are things which I cannot possibly be forgiven for and I wonder if my capacity as a writer and especially as a Christian writer is now irredeemably destroyed.

I would do anything to take back what I have done. More than I would do anything to change having, well, this.

My heart groans to be free of this world. My spirit longs to at last be unshackled and to fly away home.

I have lost loved ones and I don't know how to ever gain them again.

There are people who are going to laugh and gloat that I am saying these things. I couldn't care less. My heart lied one time too many to one friend. It will not lie here.

I don't know what I'm doing. And God is so very distant now, I cannot hear Him. Could I have heard Him at all? The times I thought I heard God, was that nothing but my disease playing with my thoughts?

I don't know.

I know nothing.

I wanted to be a father. I would have been a good father.

I wanted to be known as a good man. I wanted to be a good man, through and through.

I create nothing. I destroy everything.

I am become Death, shatterer of worlds. My own has not been spared.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.